Rob has a great week of breakthrough retrospectives, and Marc explains “good friction.” We discuss the key reason so many projects fail, especially at the DoD, and what we can all learn from tumbling rocks.
Definitely some good stuff for today, Rob and his teams had two funny and impactful retros that weren’t the ordinary ceremonial “by the numbers” exercises that happen at many organizations. Hair is let down, and everything is put on the table so problems get solved. They were honest and transparent will still being considerate of people’s feelings. Rob shares how to keep confidence up and harness strong opinions to move the team forward.
We discuss how project managers aren’t supposed to be “liked”. They’re supposed to be efficient and protect your investments and keep everyone paddling. The goal is that they love you at the end. They can hate you throughout, PMs are loyal to the project success. It’s better to have the fights as you go rather than protect everyone’s feelings while the project fails. Too many organizations hire program managers that they know and are friendly with, and it’s fun until the program fails and then they just find another project and repeat the process. This is basically the story at the DoD. That’s why you see the same programs return every few years as folks take another bite at the apple. Since this is the government with essentially unlimited funding, this can go on in perpetuity (and has been for decades). This is a big difference between public and private sector, since if too many corporate programs fail the companies simply go out of business. Sometimes people can learn from their failures, and they get better for the next time, but rarely in government. In fact, in the public sector the more common outcome is the failures lead to even bigger budgets for projects. It’s sad – we all end up with nothing.
People are so interesting… perception is so important. Even if all the details are right, and you’re managing the risks effectively, if someone doesn’t like you then it’s just not going to go well. Sometimes you have to step back and let other people deliver your message. If your conversations seem harder than they should, this might be what is happening.
Consider the humble rock tumbler. You put in a few dirty rocks into a can, add in a little oil and grit, and leave it spinning overnight. In the morning it’s full of gems. Crazy. This is called “helpful friction”. It’s like when one person says something the other person thinks is a terrible idea, and the other person says what that person thinks is a terrible too, and they bang it out together until they come up with a third idea that they both agree is much better than either of their original ideas. Neither person would have come up with it on their own, it was the energy and banging together of two “rocks” that brought it to life. The grit and the oil are the mutual respect and commitment to solving the problem. It’s how to harness the energy, enabled by psychological safety. It’s not about one person getting the upper hand, it’s about completing the mission. Without the psychological safety, it’s just two rocks smashing into each other and that’s not going to go well for anyone. Rob calls out Dylan Brown, his “PM-dog” as his favorite “other rock” in the tumbler to make magic with.
With many people, you just need to let them fail first before they’re open to be influenced. You have to let them touch the stove themselves in order for real learning to occur. You might think you’re helping them, but you’re not. Just support them on their journey and be there for them either way. Use your experience to guide your own actions only. You have to help others find their own way. You can share strongly diluted opinions, but you’ve got to let them figure out on their own how to succeed in the world.
Onward.